A Gradual Path, a Sudden Turn.

As with everything in life, one's activities, goals and priorities must be pulled out, examined, re-ordered and re-prioritized from time to time. Being a parent and foster parent requires an ongoing revisiting of strategies, routines and focuses. When it seems as though suddenly everything is in turmoil, it may actually be that conflict and stress have been building slowly and silently, coming to the surface, seemingly as the result of a particular incident. Our most recent need for re visitation of our life goals, routines and priorities came as a result of several mitigating factors converging at once and causing a brief moment of havoc in our lives. However, as experienced parents, responsible adults and flexible work situations, we are now sitting at the other side waiting to see if our changes will result in calm waters, if only for a little while. I believe our need for a drastic change came about as combining result of:

• a foster child arriving


• another foster child leaving


• a job loss


• 2 foster children arriving in sudden flurry


• a job gain


• troubling teen behaviour


• a significant job reduction

All of these factors built up, converged and caused a sudden need for drastic re-prioritizing.

When a foster child arrives, there is a readjustment period. Even if the child is a positive addition to the family, it is always stressful for all involved to adjust to new routines, new rules (in this case the child was much younger which required a change in TV programming, video game censoring, dinner table discussions, evening routines).

Soon after, another boy left to go home quite suddenly, and not necessarily to an emotionally healthy environment. This created a sense of loss and worry for all.

Then came a surprise job loss 2 weeks before Christmas for the father of the family, which created a new dynamic with him now at home all day. Enter in 2 foster children arriving in a flurry, add in a job gain, and through all of this, one teen in the family was quietly going about unproductive and self damaging behaviour, which required a sudden halt to everything and a readjustment to home priorities. It seemed like it all happened at once, but looking back, one can track the gradual path that was being trampled down, like the subtle path down our front yard where the kids cut through the hedges to walk to their bus stop.

Where we are sitting now is the father is back at work, but the mother has almost completely cut back hours to be in the home much more. This has caused a loss of income but a gain in psychological comfort. We rationalized that we made a conscious decision when we had children that I would stay at home and raise them until the youngest was in school full time. I would now argue it is equally important to remain physically and emotionally available when kids are navigating through the tumultuous teen years and all of the choices to be made there. Parental supervision is only one of many duties during these years. In fact, for us, we are now actually back to where we were at the beginning of our child rearing years, when ironically I always envisioned the teen years to be the end of the child rearing years. I feel I am actually needing to step up my parental involvement rather than wind it down!

The decision that we made as a couple for me to leave work and stay home this time around has come with mixed feelings. I am feeling the loss of my identity, my personal and professional satisfaction and (let's face it) my pride in myself of being someone who could always hold it all together, despite what was being tossed at me. That said, I am also feeling the strength of having made that decision to put my kids first and sleeping at night knowing in my heart it is the right thing to do for our family at this time. Maybe this is what separates some from others. Upon reflection, perhaps this is why our family is able to care for other family's children ;the fact that as parents, we are able to put our children's current needs (and other's children's current needs) above our own? That is a thought for another time.

For now, we are navigating new waters with a new family dynamic, a renewed hope that things will get better, and a view to being ready for whatever is coming along at the next fork. Whatever comes at us next, I am sure we will not feel prepared, we will stumble and question ourselves as parents and we will need to reorganize our life around it again, and will settle back in to whatever that new reality brings. One day at a time.

Being the Foster Brother

After looking around the internet and googling stuff like ‘being a foster sibling’ or ‘effects on bio kids when fostering’, I discovered that there are not many descriptions of what it is like when your parents decide that becoming a foster parent will be good for the family. Don’t get me wrong, being a foster brother has a lot of perks, but there’s also a lot of stuff that people seem to forget about. When I say people, I mean my parents, my friends, and the actual foster kid.
When a new kid comes into your house, it is very weird at first. Basically a stranger is coming to live with you and you are supposed to treat them like your own brother or sister.
Lots of times the kids are fine with us but act bad to our parents, especially when they’re teenagers. So we are supposed to be friends with them while they are badmouthing our parents and Children’s Aid. They don’t seem to want to get that we are helping them and we are not the reason why they are not with their own families. They act like we are treated better by our own parents when really it seems to us that they are treated better because they never get in the same trouble we would if we acted the way they did. They usually love to tell us the stories of all the bad stuff that’s happened to them too, which can be freaky and we have to pretend it’s not a big deal when inside we can’t believe how bad it is the stuff they are telling us.
Foster kids are usually fine at first, but then after about a month interesting things start to happen that can be annoying. Things like our stuff can go missing and turn up in their room. Things like all the good food getting eaten and the wrappers are in their room or all over the house. Things like them trying to take our friends away or telling stories about our family at school (if they go to our school). Things like them arguing and swearing at our parents and stressing out our parents which makes them cranky to us sometimes. One kid called my mom a bitch and told her to fuck off. I don’t even know what would happen to me if I ever did that. I don’t want to know. Another kid punched a hole in our living room wall. Our parents tell us this is because they may have never had these kinds of things and don’t know how to go about getting them the right way. We learn that apparently every behaviour has a reason, but it’s still annoying when it’s happening.
Some of the perks are you get to go shopping for clothes with them and see how glad they are to get cool stuff that I never even really thought about. But even that is weird. They are sort of glad but they also have this thing where if they don't get everything they want or if they can's have the most expensive name brand they get mad. It's like they're glad to get stuff, but mad that they can't have everything. They love our food and getting signed up for sports and stuff with us. It can be cool because teachers and other parents think you are a good person for doing it and sometimes it seems they treat us nicer. You learn a lot about the ways other people live and feel lucky to have the life you have. When they go away for visits or camp, it’s really nice when we are all together with our own family, so we appreciate our own family time. You get to see them change. There’s something that changes in them and it’s hard to describe. It’s like they become nicer when they get used to how stuff is at our house.
People think it’s really hard on us when they leave, but it’s not really. Maybe kids are different than adults, but when they leave we say goodbye and keep in touch on Facebook and stuff. Then before long we get another call and our parents ask us if we are ready for another kid. We find out their age, their family story a bit, and they ask us to think about it. Even though it feels like it is already decided, it’s interesting to think about them and to meet them and start over again. We always know if things don’t work out, our parents will always do what’s best for everyone. If the kid or us are just not happy and it’s not working, they’ll change stuff so none of us are unhappy at home. Maybe that’s part of why it’s not so bad.

Two Sides to the Coin

There are many postings out there from individuals who feel they have been wronged or mistreated by a Children's Aid Society. I am sure they have their reasons for feeling this way, but I wonder if they stop for a moment to think of the go-between, also known as foster parents. Foster parents are the link in between the Children's Aid and the parent who has had their child apprehended. Not all children are apprehended against the parent's will, but most are. Other reasons could be the parent reaching out for and getting help, it could be temporary until the parent is back on their feet. It could be as a result of the death of parents. However, the majority of children in care are in care against the parent's wishes.
The foster parent is right in the middle, and plays a vital role in the conflict; they are caring for the child in question.
There are many rewards that come with being a foster parent, and there are many challenges.
Children often come into care with minimal clothing. they are often underfed, or have been fed a very unhealthy diet. They have not experienced routine, structure and consistency. They often lack social skills and manners. They are usually angry with CAS, their parents, their teachers, the world, and you. They may be separated from their siblings. They are feeling loss, and will grieve, much as one would with the death of a loved one. As a foster parent, you may not know if/when this child has ever been to the dentist or doctor. It is your job to get that in order right away. You do not know their developmental history, or their prenatal history. There are often problems at school, and usually they are behind academically.They often want nothing to do with you, and will fight attachment tooth and nail. Who can blame them? Who wants to attach to people that they will be leaving soon? They go to visits with their parents, and instantly regress back into the behaviours you have worked so hard to overcome. The parents enjoy a sugary filled visit that is full of fun, then they come home to you more angry and missing their parents. No matter how much progress a foster parent makes, how much love, the pull toward the biological family is usually stronger, even if the child was neglected or abused. You have to become the bad guy again as you start all over with the routines and rules.
The rewards, however, are there. As with most things, the dramatic, negative side of things is the side that gets the most attention. Whoever hears of easy births? It is the long, drawn out tortuous birthing sessions that garner attention. The rewards are very subtle, often abstract, and one must watch carefully. Lying in bed at night, knowing there is a safe, clean, well fed child sleeping nearby, and they are all of those things because of you. That is a reward. A child saying: 'But if you work late tonight, who will read with me?"..Reward..A child openly and with gusto enjoying your food. Reward. A child donning a soccer uniform for the first time ever, and the pride in their eyes as they run their hands along the silky fabric. Combing freshly shampooed hair. Being the one to be able to demonstrate that home means warmth and safety, not fear and conflict. You get the glory job of being a warm and heated blanket to a child who is cold and shivering on the inside. Knowing that many of these things are first time experiences for these children. The rewards are there, but they are not often measured in an empirical way, the way we can measure and list the challenges.

Interesting article and link:

Here is a link to a good foster mom story.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/facts-and-arguments/my-life-as-a-foster-mom/article1748325/?service=email&utm_source=Shared+Article+Sent+to+User&utm_medium=E-mail%3A+Newsletters+%2F+E-Blasts+%2F+etc.&utm_content=1748325&utm_campaign=Shared+Web+Article+Links.

Coming Together

I read my horoscope yesterday and it said "You have what it takes to finally do what you have been wanting to do for so long. You have the discipline to make it work". It was a timely message, as I am on the cusp of publicly speaking for the first time on a topic that is near and dear. Talking to parents about computers, video games and cell phones, ipods, mp3 players and hand help video games. I want to tell parents that they are ruining their kids by allowing them to engage in these activities while ignoring the real people around them and not learning any social skills! I am not an electronic prude. Our kids have always had the latest and greatest video systems, but we have always had limits. The stories I hear every day at work by parents are appalling! Things like: "I can't get them to do homework because they are on the computer" When I suggest unplugging the computer, they look at me with a horrified expression and say they could never do that because then their child would be mad at them!Well, this workshop is the first in what I expect to be a series.

Also trying to get the word out about local Children's Aid Societies. October is child abuse prevention month.

Also want to share feelings about having foster children leave at holidays and come back after. How hard it is to parent with structure and go through hard times, yet not be able to enjoy the fun family times. I think I need a few blogs! Will try to stay organized and on task.

My goal is to use the blog as a journal to record my thoughts. Fairly certain it won't get followed, which is why I feel able to speak candidly. So, to recap: Parenting Workshop, foster children away, strong parenting and tough times.

By the way, how is all of this foster parenting affecting the biological kids? Yet another topic to explore!

Reinstating my blog.

I have decided to reinstate my blogsite. The world of parenting and fostering is not without it's challenges. I removed my blog because individuals with negative experiences with various Children's Aids Societies began commenting on my posts. These comments were made by people who had their children apprehended, or people who were foster children themselves, albeit with negative experiences. These circumstances caused these particular indiviuals to be hostile toward my posts, toward a person who has chosen to care for children who need care during a time when their families are unable to provide a safe and healthy environment for their own children.
At the time, I was not in a state to deal with that negativity and anger, but I am now more experienced, confident and committed to parenting and foster parenting. I have decided once again to share my experiences, observations, interactions and strategies.
Stay tuned!