Fostering Adolescents

Fostering Pre Teens and Teens

“We have a 14 year old boy. He has been in 5 homes in 4 years.” “There is a 13 year old girl. She just wants to belong but doesn’t know how to show it.” “We have 12 year old twins, a boy and a girl.”

These sentences, usually stated over the phone, often in the middle of a busy day, may strike fear and uncertainty in the hearts of many. When I get this call, a feeling that is a mixture of protectiveness and empathy instantly wells up. I immediately start mentally rearranging the house and bedrooms to accommodate our new arrival. I imagine what they look like and wonder when their birthday is. I ask about food preferences, school, clothing situations and bio family interactions. Once we have decided to accept our new placement, the work begins. Grocery shopping to ensure we have familiar foods. Rearranging furniture. Prepping our kids. Waiting for the worker and child to arrive. Introductions. Appearing cool and collected when we feel anything but.

There are basic strategies that we have found that seem to work with most teens. Adolescents tend to respond very well to:

Fairness: All kids (but especially teens) have a keen sense of justice. They are extremely sensitive and are hyper-aware when they feel that they are being treated unfairly. It can be as simple as ensuring (to the inch) that a piece of pizza is the same size as the others, or as complex as being aware of their perception of your tone of voice and body language. Teens NEED to feel they are getting a fair shake and they need to feel that they are valued in the same way as everyone else in the house, from the moment they step foot in the door.

Tolerance: If four letter words and tales of graphic experiences make you uncomfortable, then fostering teens is not for you. Youth need to feel they can express themselves and need to feel they are good people, no matter what their past experiences have been. You need to be prepared to hear about hair-raising events , frightening experiences, and stomach turning parenting practices (often while driving or cooking or reading) AND, you need to hear it and stay calm and cool while listening. While listening, you will also need to think ahead to your careful and appropriate responses to ensure it happens again, as this is a wonderful and positive thing! Teens will often listen to you only after you have demonstrated that you can listen to them. Also, try hard (even if it is painful) to listen to their music while driving. Listen to the lyrics together. Get to the meaning. This is a good way to start discussions while driving. Don’t forget to call or email your worker and your child’s worker with any disclosure of any kind.

Honesty: By the time a teen in care reaches your home, they are knowledgeable, sceptical, cynical and guarded. They deserve the truth, and can detect a cover up a mile away. You owe it to the youth to be honest to the best of your ability and within Society guidelines. Not only do you owe it to your adolescent, you really owe it to yourself as a person trying to establish a positive relationship. If you lie or cover up, and the teen discovers it, they will probably never trust you again. They have been lied to and let down much of their lives, and you will now be just another person to add to that list. Your goal is to become the person they can always count on for the truth, and that you are reliable. Never, ever lie, and if you are ever unsure about what to say, then refer the teen to their worker or tell the teen that you will check with the worker and get back to them. You can never undo a lie and the damage will be irreparable. They will not forget it.

Parenting: No matter how much they resist, teens in care are fundamentally no different than any other child. They think they are tough, cool and they think they know more than everyone (especially you, the parent figure). Just remember, they want to be parented, and they are really just overgrown children. They feel valued when there are limits. They enjoy a good fight, but are secretly glad that you care enough to make the effort to argue. They need you at their school, advocating for them. They want someone to make their lunches. They need to be reminded to brush their teeth. They need limits and fair consequences. They need you to be involved and know who their friends (and their friend’s parents) are. Persevere. Don’t give up. They also like treats and rewards and spontaneous moments of silliness and fun.

Don’t be afraid of teens. They can be our most difficult placements, but they can also be the most rewarding. They will remember everything you say to them. You can and you will make a real difference in their life path, but only if you are confident in your heart that you really want to.