Fostering Siblings

Sibling Visits

When foster parents receive new placements, they are given a brief history of the circumstances that brought them into care, if available. Troubling and unhealthy family relationships are the norm. Sibling relationships are usually intense and emotional. Biological parents are often angry, resentful and highly negative and critical of foster parents. Foster parents are protective by nature, so the idea of encouraging and nurturing relationships with the very people that contributed to them being placed in care can be a very difficult part of the job. However, if the foster parent wants to build trust and develop a relationship with their foster child, they must always be positive and warm toward the biological family. Not to mention it is the mandate of all children’s aid societies to provide every opportunity for families to remain connected, if there is no risk to safety.
Sibling visits are often up to the foster parents to organize. Once the green light has been given for sibling visits, the planning begins. Usually it is planned and organized between foster parents (if the siblings are all in care and are split up), or they are planned between foster parent and biological child, particularly if they are older.
It is very easy and very tempting to make excuses for these visits to not happen. ‘We are too busy’. ‘I am afraid it will keep the child attached to their sister/brother and will not attach to us.’ ‘I am worried it will bring up painful memories.’ ‘That brother / sister is a bad influence.’ ‘I am nervous about what they will say about me as a foster parent.’ ‘I don’t like the look of that smoking brother/sister who is full of piercings and tattoos.’ It is easy because the agency is depending on you to make sure these visits happen, yet often do not follow up because they trust that the foster parent will keep their end of the expectation. It is tempting because none of us want to step outside our comfort zone if we don’t have to, and these visits can be nerve-wracking and stressful.
It is imperative that the foster parent not only make visits happen, they make them happen with regularity, with confidence. They must make each visit special, and they must make sure that photos happen. Foster parents need to ensure that their foster child comes away with the feeling that their sibling is special, likeable and important. The foster parent should adopt the: “If they are important to you, they are important to me” attitude with their foster son or daughter. If the foster parent is able to do this, it will help the relationship and will enhance attachment, not hinder it. The child will feel accepted and special, and will relax.
Memories are memories. Families are families. Bonds are bonds. Their grandma opening KFC boxes with a cigarette dangling out of the side of her mouth generates the exact same amount of love and comfort as reminiscing about your own grandma stirring gravy and baking a pie. This is not stereotyping, I witnessed the KFC story being shared between two biological sisters in care, and my own grandmother stirred gravy and baked pies. I witnessed the glistening eyes and the love in their voices and I identified with their memories. These siblings are already judged by the rest of society for being in foster care. They do not need to be judged for their warm, loving and precious memories.