- a foster child arriving
- another foster child leaving
- a job loss
- 2 foster children arriving in sudden flurry
- a job gain
- troubling teen behaviour
- a significant job reduction
All of these factors built up, converged and caused a sudden need for drastic re-prioritizing.
When a foster child arrives, there is a readjustment period. Even if the child is a positive addition to the family, it is always stressful for all involved to adjust to new routines, new rules (in this case the child was much younger which required a change in TV programming, video game censoring, dinner table discussions, evening routines).
Soon after, another boy left to go home quite suddenly, and not necessarily to an emotionally healthy environment. This created a sense of loss and worry for all.
Then came a surprise job loss 2 weeks before Christmas for the father of the family, which created a new dynamic with him now at home all day. Enter in 2 foster children arriving in a flurry, add in a job gain, and through all of this, one teen in the family was quietly going about unproductive and self damaging behaviour, which required a sudden halt to everything and a readjustment to home priorities. It seemed like it all happened at once, but looking back, one can track the gradual path that was being trampled down, like the subtle path down our front yard where the kids cut through the hedges to walk to their bus stop.
Where we are sitting now is the father is back at work, but the mother has almost completely cut back hours to be in the home much more. This has caused a loss of income but a gain in psychological comfort. We rationalized that we made a conscious decision when we had children that I would stay at home and raise them until the youngest was in school full time. I would now argue it is equally important to remain physically and emotionally available when kids are navigating through the tumultuous teen years and all of the choices to be made there. Parental supervision is only one of many duties during these years. In fact, for us, we are now actually back to where we were at the beginning of our child rearing years, when ironically I always envisioned the teen years to be the end of the child rearing years. I feel I am actually needing to step up my parental involvement rather than wind it down!
The decision that we made as a couple for me to leave work and stay home this time around has come with mixed feelings. I am feeling the loss of my identity, my personal and professional satisfaction and (let's face it) my pride in myself of being someone who could always hold it all together, despite what was being tossed at me. That said, I am also feeling the strength of having made that decision to put my kids first and sleeping at night knowing in my heart it is the right thing to do for our family at this time. Maybe this is what separates some from others. Upon reflection, perhaps this is why our family is able to care for other family's children ;the fact that as parents, we are able to put our children's current needs (and other's children's current needs) above our own? That is a thought for another time.
For now, we are navigating new waters with a new family dynamic, a renewed hope that things will get better, and a view to being ready for whatever is coming along at the next fork. Whatever comes at us next, I am sure we will not feel prepared, we will stumble and question ourselves as parents and we will need to reorganize our life around it again, and will settle back in to whatever that new reality brings. One day at a time.
