Sibling Visits
When foster parents receive new placements, they are given a brief history of the circumstances that brought them into care, if available. Troubling and unhealthy family relationships are the norm. Sibling relationships are usually intense and emotional. Biological parents are often angry, resentful and highly negative and critical of foster parents. Foster parents are protective by nature, so the idea of encouraging and nurturing relationships with the very people that contributed to them being placed in care can be a very difficult part of the job. However, if the foster parent wants to build trust and develop a relationship with their foster child, they must always be positive and warm toward the biological family. Not to mention it is the mandate of all children’s aid societies to provide every opportunity for families to remain connected, if there is no risk to safety.
Sibling visits are often up to the foster parents to organize. Once the green light has been given for sibling visits, the planning begins. Usually it is planned and organized between foster parents (if the siblings are all in care and are split up), or they are planned between foster parent and biological child, particularly if they are older.
It is very easy and very tempting to make excuses for these visits to not happen. ‘We are too busy’. ‘I am afraid it will keep the child attached to their sister/brother and will not attach to us.’ ‘I am worried it will bring up painful memories.’ ‘That brother / sister is a bad influence.’ ‘I am nervous about what they will say about me as a foster parent.’ ‘I don’t like the look of that smoking brother/sister who is full of piercings and tattoos.’ It is easy because the agency is depending on you to make sure these visits happen, yet often do not follow up because they trust that the foster parent will keep their end of the expectation. It is tempting because none of us want to step outside our comfort zone if we don’t have to, and these visits can be nerve-wracking and stressful.
It is imperative that the foster parent not only make visits happen, they make them happen with regularity, with confidence. They must make each visit special, and they must make sure that photos happen. Foster parents need to ensure that their foster child comes away with the feeling that their sibling is special, likeable and important. The foster parent should adopt the: “If they are important to you, they are important to me” attitude with their foster son or daughter. If the foster parent is able to do this, it will help the relationship and will enhance attachment, not hinder it. The child will feel accepted and special, and will relax.
Memories are memories. Families are families. Bonds are bonds. Their grandma opening KFC boxes with a cigarette dangling out of the side of her mouth generates the exact same amount of love and comfort as reminiscing about your own grandma stirring gravy and baking a pie. This is not stereotyping, I witnessed the KFC story being shared between two biological sisters in care, and my own grandmother stirred gravy and baked pies. I witnessed the glistening eyes and the love in their voices and I identified with their memories. These siblings are already judged by the rest of society for being in foster care. They do not need to be judged for their warm, loving and precious memories.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Fostering in Ottawa
See the link below for an article that describes some fostering experiences:
http://www.myvirtualpaper.com/doc/coylepublishing/oflsummer2011_v3/2011051301/#8
http://www.myvirtualpaper.com/doc/coylepublishing/oflsummer2011_v3/2011051301/#8
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Fostering Adolescents
Fostering Pre Teens and Teens
“We have a 14 year old boy. He has been in 5 homes in 4 years.” “There is a 13 year old girl. She just wants to belong but doesn’t know how to show it.” “We have 12 year old twins, a boy and a girl.”
These sentences, usually stated over the phone, often in the middle of a busy day, may strike fear and uncertainty in the hearts of many. When I get this call, a feeling that is a mixture of protectiveness and empathy instantly wells up. I immediately start mentally rearranging the house and bedrooms to accommodate our new arrival. I imagine what they look like and wonder when their birthday is. I ask about food preferences, school, clothing situations and bio family interactions. Once we have decided to accept our new placement, the work begins. Grocery shopping to ensure we have familiar foods. Rearranging furniture. Prepping our kids. Waiting for the worker and child to arrive. Introductions. Appearing cool and collected when we feel anything but.
There are basic strategies that we have found that seem to work with most teens. Adolescents tend to respond very well to:
Fairness: All kids (but especially teens) have a keen sense of justice. They are extremely sensitive and are hyper-aware when they feel that they are being treated unfairly. It can be as simple as ensuring (to the inch) that a piece of pizza is the same size as the others, or as complex as being aware of their perception of your tone of voice and body language. Teens NEED to feel they are getting a fair shake and they need to feel that they are valued in the same way as everyone else in the house, from the moment they step foot in the door.
Tolerance: If four letter words and tales of graphic experiences make you uncomfortable, then fostering teens is not for you. Youth need to feel they can express themselves and need to feel they are good people, no matter what their past experiences have been. You need to be prepared to hear about hair-raising events , frightening experiences, and stomach turning parenting practices (often while driving or cooking or reading) AND, you need to hear it and stay calm and cool while listening. While listening, you will also need to think ahead to your careful and appropriate responses to ensure it happens again, as this is a wonderful and positive thing! Teens will often listen to you only after you have demonstrated that you can listen to them. Also, try hard (even if it is painful) to listen to their music while driving. Listen to the lyrics together. Get to the meaning. This is a good way to start discussions while driving. Don’t forget to call or email your worker and your child’s worker with any disclosure of any kind.
Honesty: By the time a teen in care reaches your home, they are knowledgeable, sceptical, cynical and guarded. They deserve the truth, and can detect a cover up a mile away. You owe it to the youth to be honest to the best of your ability and within Society guidelines. Not only do you owe it to your adolescent, you really owe it to yourself as a person trying to establish a positive relationship. If you lie or cover up, and the teen discovers it, they will probably never trust you again. They have been lied to and let down much of their lives, and you will now be just another person to add to that list. Your goal is to become the person they can always count on for the truth, and that you are reliable. Never, ever lie, and if you are ever unsure about what to say, then refer the teen to their worker or tell the teen that you will check with the worker and get back to them. You can never undo a lie and the damage will be irreparable. They will not forget it.
Parenting: No matter how much they resist, teens in care are fundamentally no different than any other child. They think they are tough, cool and they think they know more than everyone (especially you, the parent figure). Just remember, they want to be parented, and they are really just overgrown children. They feel valued when there are limits. They enjoy a good fight, but are secretly glad that you care enough to make the effort to argue. They need you at their school, advocating for them. They want someone to make their lunches. They need to be reminded to brush their teeth. They need limits and fair consequences. They need you to be involved and know who their friends (and their friend’s parents) are. Persevere. Don’t give up. They also like treats and rewards and spontaneous moments of silliness and fun.
Don’t be afraid of teens. They can be our most difficult placements, but they can also be the most rewarding. They will remember everything you say to them. You can and you will make a real difference in their life path, but only if you are confident in your heart that you really want to.
“We have a 14 year old boy. He has been in 5 homes in 4 years.” “There is a 13 year old girl. She just wants to belong but doesn’t know how to show it.” “We have 12 year old twins, a boy and a girl.”
These sentences, usually stated over the phone, often in the middle of a busy day, may strike fear and uncertainty in the hearts of many. When I get this call, a feeling that is a mixture of protectiveness and empathy instantly wells up. I immediately start mentally rearranging the house and bedrooms to accommodate our new arrival. I imagine what they look like and wonder when their birthday is. I ask about food preferences, school, clothing situations and bio family interactions. Once we have decided to accept our new placement, the work begins. Grocery shopping to ensure we have familiar foods. Rearranging furniture. Prepping our kids. Waiting for the worker and child to arrive. Introductions. Appearing cool and collected when we feel anything but.
There are basic strategies that we have found that seem to work with most teens. Adolescents tend to respond very well to:
Fairness: All kids (but especially teens) have a keen sense of justice. They are extremely sensitive and are hyper-aware when they feel that they are being treated unfairly. It can be as simple as ensuring (to the inch) that a piece of pizza is the same size as the others, or as complex as being aware of their perception of your tone of voice and body language. Teens NEED to feel they are getting a fair shake and they need to feel that they are valued in the same way as everyone else in the house, from the moment they step foot in the door.
Tolerance: If four letter words and tales of graphic experiences make you uncomfortable, then fostering teens is not for you. Youth need to feel they can express themselves and need to feel they are good people, no matter what their past experiences have been. You need to be prepared to hear about hair-raising events , frightening experiences, and stomach turning parenting practices (often while driving or cooking or reading) AND, you need to hear it and stay calm and cool while listening. While listening, you will also need to think ahead to your careful and appropriate responses to ensure it happens again, as this is a wonderful and positive thing! Teens will often listen to you only after you have demonstrated that you can listen to them. Also, try hard (even if it is painful) to listen to their music while driving. Listen to the lyrics together. Get to the meaning. This is a good way to start discussions while driving. Don’t forget to call or email your worker and your child’s worker with any disclosure of any kind.
Honesty: By the time a teen in care reaches your home, they are knowledgeable, sceptical, cynical and guarded. They deserve the truth, and can detect a cover up a mile away. You owe it to the youth to be honest to the best of your ability and within Society guidelines. Not only do you owe it to your adolescent, you really owe it to yourself as a person trying to establish a positive relationship. If you lie or cover up, and the teen discovers it, they will probably never trust you again. They have been lied to and let down much of their lives, and you will now be just another person to add to that list. Your goal is to become the person they can always count on for the truth, and that you are reliable. Never, ever lie, and if you are ever unsure about what to say, then refer the teen to their worker or tell the teen that you will check with the worker and get back to them. You can never undo a lie and the damage will be irreparable. They will not forget it.
Parenting: No matter how much they resist, teens in care are fundamentally no different than any other child. They think they are tough, cool and they think they know more than everyone (especially you, the parent figure). Just remember, they want to be parented, and they are really just overgrown children. They feel valued when there are limits. They enjoy a good fight, but are secretly glad that you care enough to make the effort to argue. They need you at their school, advocating for them. They want someone to make their lunches. They need to be reminded to brush their teeth. They need limits and fair consequences. They need you to be involved and know who their friends (and their friend’s parents) are. Persevere. Don’t give up. They also like treats and rewards and spontaneous moments of silliness and fun.
Don’t be afraid of teens. They can be our most difficult placements, but they can also be the most rewarding. They will remember everything you say to them. You can and you will make a real difference in their life path, but only if you are confident in your heart that you really want to.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)