Playing with a Bully

Playing with a Bully Pillow time is a longed for period of time on any given day. However, there are two drawbacks to pillow time for me. The first is that I almost fear going to bed because I love it so much, but it inevitably means that I will have to get up in the morning. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life and my busy days….yet I am not and have never been a morning person. I am married to a leap-out-of-bed-no-snooze-button-required kind of guy. I set my alarm for 30 minutes earlier than necessary just so I can hit the snooze button several times. It is safe to say that I am not at my sunny best first thing in the morning. Before getting out of bed each morning I find my inner voice negotiating many things…such as, What is worse…getting the dogs outside now before they pee, or having the extra time in bed but having to clean up the pee. I will then feel badly all day (and give even more fuel to the bedtime bully who you will soon meet—read below) for denying the dog’s dignity for my own selfish reasons. Or, I know I swore I would wash my hair today, but hey, I have a hat that I could keep on all day. These are my silly, humorous, lazy- ass reasons for not liking bedtime. The second reason that I dread bedtime is somewhat darker. Bedtime has become the time of day for me when ‘Critical Mom’ has been rearing her ugly head. Critical Mom has darkness to her…a darkness that she brings to my heart while whispering ‘anxiety disorder’ in my ear. She erodes my confidence and self-worth. She is not always anxiety-provoking; the odd time she’ll boost me up, makes me feel like supermom and a role model to all. When that happens, bedtime is bliss, life is sweet and I feel in control of my life. Most times, Critical Mom is the mom in me who comes out and wants to play almost every night. She is not a nice friend. As I lay with my head on the pillow, her presence seeps out. She often tries to come out earlier; I can often feel her knocking at my mind’s door… when I am brushing my teeth, washing my face, putting the last load of laundry into the wash. I can often push her away if she arrives before bedtime. It is when I am in bed that I am trapped. Out she comes, knocking on all my doors and windows, begging us all to come out and play. “C’mon, Guilty Mom,” she calls, “You were active today. Let’s play! Oh, you know you want to join in, Tired Mom. Don’t even bother calling on Happy Mom, Doting Mom, Patient Mom, Awesome Mom or Crafty Mom today, they are no fun. They will put Anxious Mom right to sleep with their soothing, ego-building antics and we won’t see any of the fun moms for awhile! We want to play for a long time tonight, so let’s go get Short-Tempered Mom and Busy Mom to come out. I heard that Frozen-Pizza-for-Dinner Mom and Skip Bath Tonight Mom are up for some fun too. Did you meet Secret-Chocolate-Eating-Mom and Wine-on-a-Tuesday Mom? They are sure to induce guilt and feelings of self-loathing. That’ll keep her in the game, wide awake with heart palpitations into the wee hours!” I have a love/hate relationship with Critique Mom. I truly do. I hate her because she causes my heart to skip a beat, my blood pressure to rise and my much loved sleep to remain elusive. She causes me to examine all of my actions and reactions. She makes me go outside of myself and analyze one of my greatest sources of pride…my abilities as a mother. She brings me down and makes me angry at myself. Many of these ‘hate’ reasons are also my love reasons. Without Critique Mom, I wouldn’t strive to do better the next day. I wouldn’t walk a mile in my children’s shoes. I wouldn’t revisit my sometimes sharp tone through sensitive little ears. I wouldn’t proactively come up with strategies to make myself feel better, so I can be better. She is both the monkey on my back and the cheerleader in my court. Critique Mom often gets the best of me, despite my best intentions. She can be easily foiled and put away simply by my being a perfect, awesome, smiley and loving mother in every circumstance, at every moment. Of course, that is not realistic, or even human. I know this on a rational level. Heck, I even know that most of the time, I’m a damn good parent, despite my flaws. What I need to learn is a way to manipulate Critique Mom. I need to pull her out on my own terms to keep myself in line. I also need to dance with her when I deserve to be happy and positive, and tell her to *&$% off when I’ve had a bad day. It’s all about control....the control she has over me, and my control over her. She can be a bully, but as they say, keep your enemies close. For now, she continues to take up space in my mind rent-free. I am working hard on controlling her, but at this point, she seems to have the upper hand, both in my mind and on my pillow.